No Regrets: A Birth Parent’s Perspective

No Regrets: A Birth Parent's Perspective
Posted on 06/19/2018

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I’ve heard people talk about birth parents. I’ve heard them say, “How could she give her baby up for adoption?” Like it was a selfish decision.  

I knew I wasn’t in a position to care for my baby. I knew that being placed with an adoptive family was in my child’s best interest, not mine.  

Until minutes before my son Jeremy was born, I did not know I was pregnant. I was in an abusive relationship with a man who would not acknowledge this child as his own and I knew I had to make a decision for the safety of my child. I was aware that Jeremy’s half paternal brother was placed with an adoptive family through the Children’s Aid Society of London & Middlesex. Before leaving the hospital I knew Jeremy should be with his brother and with the adoptive family who could love and provide for him unconditionally. When the adoptive family agreed to have Jeremy with them and his brother, I felt immediate relief. I knew they would take care of him the way he needed and deserved.

When Jeremey was first born, part of me considered pretending he did not exist as it might save me from the pain of being apart from him, but I just couldn’t do it. I wanted him to know that I loved him. I felt strongly that, although he needed to be with the adoptive family, I needed to be a part of his life. Jeremy’s adoptive parents also felt this way, and agreed to an openness contract. I see Jeremy several times a year and receive photos and updates. We meet regularly at a local restaurant and I always bring a little gift for Jeremy and his brother. The best thing is that I never have to wonder how my son is doing. I know he’s happy. I know he’s thriving and loved. I know he and his brother are bonded and will grow up together. He’ll never think he was unwanted. I can be a part of his life. He can have more people who love him.

Since placing Jeremy for adoption, I have developed a friendship with his adoptive parents. They are open with Jeremy about his adoption history and when I wasn’t sure how to refer to myself, his adoptive mother said, “You are his Tummy Mummy!” and it stuck. I can answer questions that the adoptive parents have and, in the future, I’ll be able to answer questions Jeremy might have. He won’t have gaps in information that can create challenges for some adoptees.

I have no regrets about Jeremy’s adoption. He is with his mom and dad. They are his parents. I am his “Tummy Mommy.” I am grateful for what they have given my son.

Katherine is a proud birth parent who would like to change the stigma given to birth parents by the community and reduce the shame and guilt that birth parents sometimes place on themselves. She wants adoptive parents to know they are receiving an angel and, no matter what the arrangement, when they adopt a child, birth parents are always part of the package.

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